TWIST AND SHOUT

"Hello! My name's {enter favorite name here} and I'll be your server tonight. May I get you something to drink?"

How many meals start off with these two innocuous lines? For me they are usually the prelude to the antithesis of what getting that drink is supposed to be, a short, appetite-stimulating moment of anticipatory relaxation prior to enjoying a calm, stress-free meal. I don't know about you, but my week is normally far too hectic for most meals to be truly relaxing. I do the bulk of the cooking in our house, and I have no use (for the most part) for things like shake-and-bake. That means there's prep work prior to, and cleaning during and after, the actual act of eating. Sometimes I eat half my meal while I'm cooking it.

I am also a Scotch drinker; have been for a long time. Scotch is the only type of alcohol with which I can attain the proverbial "three sheets to the wind", yet awaken the next day with no hangover. I have always attributed this to the fact that Scotch is usually (in my case always) imbibed either "neat" (all by its little lonesome) or with water in one form (on-the-rocks) or another (with, what else, water). There is nothing froo-froo about drinking Scotch. Nevertheless, while not necessary, adding a twist (for those of you who do not drink, a twist is a sliver of lemon peel, the twisting of which releases a spritz of essential oils; it is not a wedge of lemon or lime from which the juice gets squeezed into a drink) adds just the right amount of subtle citrus flavoring which, to my palate, goes well with the smoky earthiness of Scotch.

So, here's the problem. Why is it April, or Jonathon, or Heather, or William can never, ever remember I asked for that little twist of lemon? Why am I always put in the position of accusing my server of not being able to do their job as well as I think I have the right to anticipate? Mind you, I'm a good tipper and I'm not really all that demanding. I grew up in and around the food business and have spent a fair amount of time putting up with demanding patrons at eating establishments. I know how difficult it can be and I appreciate someone who does it well. I frequently tip 20% of the total (including drinks and sales tax), even if they forget my twist.

But . . . why can't servers remember this one simple, little thing? Why? Why must I frequently forego it just because it's not really, really that important? Although I'm not usually at a loss for why I think things happen, I don't have a good answer for this one. I'm stumped. I'm coming to accept it as a universal law, like - Hubble's Constant. It's a corollary to another law I've noticed in restaurants; servers will never notice, despite ample opportunity to do so, that I'm left-handed and will invariably place a new drink on my right side. But that's another story.

P.S. - I realize this isn't really that terrible a rant and probably not worthy of a true (and cranky) curmudgeon, but I have too much respect for working people, especially those at the bottom of the heap, to ever get too pissed at them. Call me a softie, but there's plenty enough crap out there to get worked up about. This ain't one of 'em.